Wanting

I think that it is human nature to look for an answer to the question of "Why?" when something sad and unexpected happens. In moments of tragedy we search for any reason to help us resolve what has happened in our hearts and minds. And, to take actions to prevent the tragedy from happening again. After my first pregnancy loss I was okay with the statistical reply of "1 and 3 women have a miscarriage during their first pregnancy." An astounding number but one that my analytical brain could wrap around. The miscarriage was natural and my body was simply doing what she needed to do. And then the second loss happened and my heart needed more than statistics. Had I worked too much? Was it the salty mongolian beef I ate at lunch? In 2010, we had gone to a Modest Mouse concert and then two weeks later our 8w ultrasound found fetal demise and aged the fetus at 6w. Instantly I went to blaming myself for going to that concert, making that single instant in time the reason for our loss. After the fifth loss I was searching for any reason.  Should I have missed that prenatal vitamin? What if it is because I didn't laugh enough? Should I have skipped that Nia class? What did I do wrong?

Did I lose this baby because I did not want it enough?

The journey of healing after our last loss was difficult. Overcoming the story, the ghost, that my losses were because I did not want a baby enough took a lot of work. There were moments when I felt that I was dragging myself up and out of the loss and grief, building strength to recognize the ghosts and stories and put them away. I made it. We made it. Emerging stronger and ready for the next step for us, which turned out to be IVF. 

I have been finding that voice of dissent, asking me "what if you do not want this enough" seeping into my thoughts. I know it is a ridiculous question. I know how much I have wanted a baby and for how long. I know that my pregnancy losses were not the result of a choice I made, an action I took, or a seemingly lack of desire. And this time is no different. That voice does not belong here and so I say "Hello, I hear you and goodbye."  There are definitely things that I am worried about, purely out of not knowing what to expect and from being a woman embarking on motherhood. I must not mistake my fear and worry about what lies in the future as an indication of a lack of desire. It is quite the contrary. My fears about whether or not I will know when to stop breastfeeding or how to teach my baby how to do things or how I will keep him/her safe are perfectly normal and a clear sign that this is something that I want.

We had our appointment today to check on how the follicles are growing with the stimulation hormones. My follicles are growing better than expected and we could be looking at an early retrieval date if we keep up the current pace. We have many follicles growing and there is hope for plenty of eggs being available for harvest.  All great news and it is exciting to think that things will be happening sooner than planned. 

So why this post? Well, I realized while walking the dogs tonight that all day I have been carrying myself with heightened awareness that I am growing something that is very important to me.  Consequently I have worried about walking too much, resting too little, eating the right food, drinking enough water. I recognize that old ghost of "wanting this enough" coming in. And I realized that this is an opportunity to play and move through this.  I know how to listen to my body and fully trust that she tells me what is needed. I also know I can choose to listen.  I have a huge box of tools to pull from, a support system to lean in on, and the knowledge that I can do this. So tonight I am making the choice to lay down instead of giving the dogs a bath. I'll pull out my book instead of sending out emails. And I'll continue to make it up as I go, staying tuned within, and to the dream.