And then, there are the valleys

This week has been rough. I hyper-stimulated from the HCG trigger shot, leaving me feeling pretty yucky and spinning up my fears. Bloated, in pain, and guzzling Gatorade like crazy I have been desperate for relief from the symptoms and scared that it was a "sign" that this whole IVF thing was not going to work.

Throughout this process I have been keeping at bay the fear that there will be a moment that this dream will not end happily ever after. And I have been successful...mostly.  After 5 miscarriages it is not an easy thing to trust that pregnancy can happen for me. It is much easier to slip into the belief that I am cursed to cycles of losses. There is far too much data to support it. For years and multiple pregnancies we have dove into whatever it takes to improve our marriage, improve our health, and shift priorities to create space for a baby. And for years that dream has not manifested.

When we decided to go the route of IVF it was because we were hopeful that the process would work for us. It was also to get some closure on what has caused our previous losses. The answer to the question of "why" was lying along the path of stimulation hormones, progesterone, retrieval, fertilization, and transfer. Our analytical minds could understand breaking things down to the little steps and looking at it through a microscope to find out how it was all working. And then, we would end up with a baby at the end of it. Closure and dream come true - we're all in.

Of the twelve eggs harvested, 11 fertilized. We got the call this morning that of those 11, 8 had stopped growing and were losses. There are three that have slowly grown to this morning but are not at the stage for genetic biopsy. It was time to make a decision - do we do a fresh transfer without a genetic biopsy and hope for the best or do we see how much growth has happened overnight, biopsy, and schedule a transfer down the road?  It feels like a huge decision. It feels like a test of how badly do I want a baby. It feels like a test of my faith. My brain is clouded by the fact that 8 little embryos did not make it and those feel like little losses.

Am I choosing from love or from fear? I have great clarity that I do not want to endure another loss if at all possible. In there is a little bit of fear of what I may become if I lose another baby. Pregnancy loss is a dark place and each time it takes longer and longer to pull out of it. And my ability to find hope is diminished with each loss. So there is also a component of love for myself and my relationships in all of this.

But what if I am meant to take this leap, transfer what we have, and see what comes of it?

I am not sure what the *right* choice is. We have decided to wait on the transfer and see what happens tomorrow. If our three little embryos continue to grow, they can biopsy and then freeze them for a transfer date in 1-2 weeks. So for the next 24 hours we pray that our little ones keep going, keep growing, and that our dream is not over yet. We are both aware that this is completely out of our hands and that we are riding the wave of becoming parents. Yet, that feeling of powerlessness does not get easier and the frustration of really wanting something and not being able to do anything to manifest it is ever present.

I am aware that the news that we received this morning is our answer to "why." The majority of my fertilized eggs do not result in a genetically viable embryo.  I won't ever know why my eggs did not produce viable embryos in all 11. It could be from exposure to toxins, genetics, really bad luck, etc. But I do know that it means that the previous losses were not because of something I ate, or going to a concert, or any of those actions.

I enter my day feeling quite a bit of sadness at what is not meant to be, desperate hope that our three embryos are viable and flourish, and a sense of closure.  I am also moving with a little bit of fear of what the news will be tomorrow. But all I can do is move through the emotions of today while holding tight to my hopes and dreams. It is not over for us.