Today I found my voice

It has been a rough week. When I walked into Nia class tonight I felt whole body tired. Emotional realm was maxed out. Physical self just wanted to crawl into bed and wake in the morning. Mental realm? Zapped as well. And I couldn't even detect my spirit. Today, whenever I did a body check-in, I could not sense my spirit. I assumed this was because my spirit was maxed out as well. Today, I was very aware of the physical sensation of breathing. How each breath opened up my body and how good it felt. So today, I stayed with breath, using it to get me through the day until I could get to Nia.

I started class thinking that I wanted to flow and have a slower class of self healing. After the first song I was surprised when my spirit came alive. It was as if my Self was saying "Here I am!" The spirit realm was not maxed out. She had just been buried under the rest of my stories and sensations, laying dormant until the moment arrived that spirit could fly free. And oh thank goodness for it. I found sensation, the joy of movement. I let my spirit dance and I let go. I found my voice, really loving the sensation of letting my voice out.  I became aware that I had tucked my voice down and within this week. I had slipped into one of my old tendencies of curling within while pushing my spirit down. And it felt SO good to open up, release, and receive.

It was also during class that I decided to make this blog public. I "published" this blog and then sent the link to just close friends and family. I realized today that part of my intention behind the blog is to share my experiences with other women who have infertility. I also want to share it with people in my community to continue to be boosted by their support and well wishes. My truth that I realized is that I have been ashamed for people to know that I am going through IVF.  There is definitely a voice in my system that says "If you were a real, healthy woman, you would have had a baby by now and you would not need IVF." So if I let people know that I am going through fertility treatment, will they think less of me? Will I suddenly be outed as a woman who has failed at pregnancy? And today the question is - So what? My awareness today expanded to realizing that I am surrounded by people who care for me and who want to support me. I can let myself release into that support. I can lean into my community and allow myself to be held.

So welcome. And thank you.

Our baseline ultrasound is next Wednesday, May 8th. This is the appointment where they determine if all systems look like a go for starting the hyper-ovulation hormones. Here's a shocker - I am totally freaking out about the baseline. I feel like I am taking a test that I cannot study for and that I really, really do not want to fail. Due to an interaction between the birth control and antibiotics, I have been bleeding for the past four days which is like witnessing the shedding of the walls of a structure that I painstakingly built.  But the ultrasound is not tomorrow. And this interaction is not unique, in fact it is quite common. And there is nothing to do but wait while I continue to do things that I do have control over, like acupuncture, body work, soaking in the sun, eating well. I can keep supporting myself with sleep and stress reduction. And I can let in the support of others. So, I am requesting all of the positive energy and prayers that you all can spare. Prayers that we get to make a go of IVF this round and that it is successful.