To say that I was anxious on Wednesday morning would be an understatement. We had purposefully planned the morning with time so that we would not feel rushed getting to the appointment. We went to our favorite breakfast place and spent the morning talking about desired outcomes and high dreams. And then my husband gently kept me distracted as I became more and more anxious. The fear of "no" was creeping into my system and I was so afraid to hear the words "you will need to wait" or "this does not look promising." I have had many trans-vaginal ultrasounds over the past several years. And very few are associated with positive outcomes. In fact, it was during a trans-vaginal ultrasound that we found out that our baby had died last July. Same with the proceeding pregnancies. I realized Wednesday that I have a whole body fear response to these types of ultrasounds. I do not trust that I can receive good news from them. I associate them with heartbreaking news and the end of a dream.
We arrived 30 minutes early to the appointment and we were seen right away. Within minutes we had the news we were hoping for - everything looks great. Both ovaries had ten follicles (AKA chocolate chips, as dubbed by Pete). Lining was perfect and we were given the go ahead to start hormones Saturday.Relief, excitement, and hope all came rushing in as if they had been just under the surface waiting for me to release the gates and them them in. I appreciate the warm support of the staff at our doctor's office. I also appreciate how clear they are and how information is parceled out in chunks that we can process and we do not get overwhelmed having to look too far past the present moment.
I have had so many incredible moments after Wednesday's appointment. Thursday's WHOOSH class with Beth was incredible and one that I will not forget. I danced my fears, my dreams, and with how much I am going to miss dancing Nia with my tribe. I was overcome with grief, grief that felt like it had been sitting in my system, cumulative from all the years of losses, whooshing out. Nurture, hope, and receive was the triad focus for class and a reminder of what all we have been doing for the past four years. I realized that I am at a very different place emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually than I was when we had our first pregnancy loss. I know so much more about my body and fully trust her. I have been nurturing myself with a better diet and exercise to create a body that is ready to receive and nurture a baby. I know how to read the signs of my body and that there are tools like acupuncture and massage to help moderate symptoms. My relationship with my husband has strengthened and I am so much more in tune with the essence of our marriage than I was when we started this journey.
Peter designed the perfect pre-injection/birthday on Friday. I have so many intimate, soul-nourishing, and joy-filled moments from our day together. We were kicking off the start of growing our "chocolate chips" and celebrating that in two and a half weeks our embryo(s) will be transferred. We spent time in dreamland, imagining what our lives will be like. And joked about whether or not the world is ready for a mini-Pete and Diane.
Injections started on Saturday and so far so good. Dr. Pete is awesome at painless injections. I am feeling great, other than a bit tired, and am looking forward to seeing how our "chocolate chips" are doing at the appointment on Tuesday. Envisioning twenty strong follicles, ready to keep on growing and reaching. Just ten days to retrieval. Operation Star Trek Baby - Engage!
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