Believe

I admire my husband's ability to believe, wholly and completely that this round of IVF will work for us. That we will get pregnant. I love that he hears good news and that it bolsters his belief and makes it strong. I need to have that dose of optimism and faith that he provides because it sustains me during days like today when I am filled with doubt.

We have two frozen embryos that are waiting. Two samples are set to be shipped to the genetics lab on Monday with results coming a week later. I really, really want to believe that one of them is a viable embryo. I feel like not believing is giving up on these two little embryos and that if I do not believe they will not make it. But wow, waiting and hoping and believing for the next two weeks feels like a huge effort and I am tired, anxious, and wanting my answer now.  While waiting two weeks seems short in the scale of how long we've been trying, the fact that we have been waiting for years is precisely why waiting two weeks feels so epic. 

I sustained belief that this will work for us all last week and when we did not get to do a fresh transfer my belief faltered. I was boosted with the news on Sunday that we have the two embryos that grew enough for biopsy but there is a level of awareness of how old the embryos are vs. where we've gotten in pregnancy and, there is quite a bit of fear that neither will be viable.  I also received the news that if this round is not successful that IVF is not a viable route for us and that we'll need to talk other options, including donor eggs. Donor eggs had not even crossed my radar as a possibility and suddenly I find myself slogging through feelings of inadequacy for the hypothetical scenario of needing donor eggs. I am clear and absolutely believe that if there is a transfer, that I can sustain a pregnancy. I fully believe that my body is capable, as she has demonstrated a willingness to hold a pregnancy in the past. Why is it so challenging extrapolate that into believing that my body is able to produce at least one egg that becomes a healthy embryo? 

I know that we will be parents. I do not know how or when or what road will get us there, but I know it will happen. I pray to God that it happens with this IVF. While we wait we will keep doing what nurtures hope and we keep stepping forward in the process. We stand by our garden each day, celebrating the growth of our seedlings that we planted on Saturday, finding comfort and strength in seeing something tangible grow from our care. We lean in to each other and communicate. We allow ourselves to be supported by friends and family who bake cookies, send movies and books, and drop us little notes of love. And...we wait, believing that in two weeks time we'll be scheduling a transfer.