Believe

I admire my husband's ability to believe, wholly and completely that this round of IVF will work for us. That we will get pregnant. I love that he hears good news and that it bolsters his belief and makes it strong. I need to have that dose of optimism and faith that he provides because it sustains me during days like today when I am filled with doubt.

We have two frozen embryos that are waiting. Two samples are set to be shipped to the genetics lab on Monday with results coming a week later. I really, really want to believe that one of them is a viable embryo. I feel like not believing is giving up on these two little embryos and that if I do not believe they will not make it. But wow, waiting and hoping and believing for the next two weeks feels like a huge effort and I am tired, anxious, and wanting my answer now.  While waiting two weeks seems short in the scale of how long we've been trying, the fact that we have been waiting for years is precisely why waiting two weeks feels so epic. 

I sustained belief that this will work for us all last week and when we did not get to do a fresh transfer my belief faltered. I was boosted with the news on Sunday that we have the two embryos that grew enough for biopsy but there is a level of awareness of how old the embryos are vs. where we've gotten in pregnancy and, there is quite a bit of fear that neither will be viable.  I also received the news that if this round is not successful that IVF is not a viable route for us and that we'll need to talk other options, including donor eggs. Donor eggs had not even crossed my radar as a possibility and suddenly I find myself slogging through feelings of inadequacy for the hypothetical scenario of needing donor eggs. I am clear and absolutely believe that if there is a transfer, that I can sustain a pregnancy. I fully believe that my body is capable, as she has demonstrated a willingness to hold a pregnancy in the past. Why is it so challenging extrapolate that into believing that my body is able to produce at least one egg that becomes a healthy embryo? 

I know that we will be parents. I do not know how or when or what road will get us there, but I know it will happen. I pray to God that it happens with this IVF. While we wait we will keep doing what nurtures hope and we keep stepping forward in the process. We stand by our garden each day, celebrating the growth of our seedlings that we planted on Saturday, finding comfort and strength in seeing something tangible grow from our care. We lean in to each other and communicate. We allow ourselves to be supported by friends and family who bake cookies, send movies and books, and drop us little notes of love. And...we wait, believing that in two weeks time we'll be scheduling a transfer.

And then, there are the valleys

This week has been rough. I hyper-stimulated from the HCG trigger shot, leaving me feeling pretty yucky and spinning up my fears. Bloated, in pain, and guzzling Gatorade like crazy I have been desperate for relief from the symptoms and scared that it was a "sign" that this whole IVF thing was not going to work.

Throughout this process I have been keeping at bay the fear that there will be a moment that this dream will not end happily ever after. And I have been successful...mostly.  After 5 miscarriages it is not an easy thing to trust that pregnancy can happen for me. It is much easier to slip into the belief that I am cursed to cycles of losses. There is far too much data to support it. For years and multiple pregnancies we have dove into whatever it takes to improve our marriage, improve our health, and shift priorities to create space for a baby. And for years that dream has not manifested.

When we decided to go the route of IVF it was because we were hopeful that the process would work for us. It was also to get some closure on what has caused our previous losses. The answer to the question of "why" was lying along the path of stimulation hormones, progesterone, retrieval, fertilization, and transfer. Our analytical minds could understand breaking things down to the little steps and looking at it through a microscope to find out how it was all working. And then, we would end up with a baby at the end of it. Closure and dream come true - we're all in.

Of the twelve eggs harvested, 11 fertilized. We got the call this morning that of those 11, 8 had stopped growing and were losses. There are three that have slowly grown to this morning but are not at the stage for genetic biopsy. It was time to make a decision - do we do a fresh transfer without a genetic biopsy and hope for the best or do we see how much growth has happened overnight, biopsy, and schedule a transfer down the road?  It feels like a huge decision. It feels like a test of how badly do I want a baby. It feels like a test of my faith. My brain is clouded by the fact that 8 little embryos did not make it and those feel like little losses.

Am I choosing from love or from fear? I have great clarity that I do not want to endure another loss if at all possible. In there is a little bit of fear of what I may become if I lose another baby. Pregnancy loss is a dark place and each time it takes longer and longer to pull out of it. And my ability to find hope is diminished with each loss. So there is also a component of love for myself and my relationships in all of this.

But what if I am meant to take this leap, transfer what we have, and see what comes of it?

I am not sure what the *right* choice is. We have decided to wait on the transfer and see what happens tomorrow. If our three little embryos continue to grow, they can biopsy and then freeze them for a transfer date in 1-2 weeks. So for the next 24 hours we pray that our little ones keep going, keep growing, and that our dream is not over yet. We are both aware that this is completely out of our hands and that we are riding the wave of becoming parents. Yet, that feeling of powerlessness does not get easier and the frustration of really wanting something and not being able to do anything to manifest it is ever present.

I am aware that the news that we received this morning is our answer to "why." The majority of my fertilized eggs do not result in a genetically viable embryo.  I won't ever know why my eggs did not produce viable embryos in all 11. It could be from exposure to toxins, genetics, really bad luck, etc. But I do know that it means that the previous losses were not because of something I ate, or going to a concert, or any of those actions.

I enter my day feeling quite a bit of sadness at what is not meant to be, desperate hope that our three embryos are viable and flourish, and a sense of closure.  I am also moving with a little bit of fear of what the news will be tomorrow. But all I can do is move through the emotions of today while holding tight to my hopes and dreams. It is not over for us.

An Agnew dozen

We are officially t-minus four days from the transfer date. On Sunday, May 26th we will be headed to Dr. Thompson's office to complete the transfer of our embryo(s), welcoming them "home." We're currently circling in a holding pattern, waiting to hear how many of our embryos can be biopsied and then again, how many of those biopsied are good for transfer. It is kind of a numbers game right now. And, we're kind of killing it.

The retrieval was very successful. They were able to collect 12 eggs, right on target with the statistic that 2/3 of follicles will produce eggs for retrieval.  Peter (AKA Gladiator of Loin Juice) provided his army of soldiers who were delivered to their task immediately. And to apparent success - eleven of the eggs fertilized, surpassing the statistic of 80% of eggs fertilize.  We are spending the next five days encouraging along our little embryos so that they might grow enough for biopsy on Saturday and so that we get a number of embryos for transfer.

One of the things I am thankful for is that I have been able to shift some stories I have had about my body this past week. At the start of IVF I had the belief that my body "did not like" synthetic hormones and that I would not be able to take them without major side effects. I had the story that there was something fundamentally wrong with my ovaries and that I would not generate more than 6 to 8 eggs in this process. I had the story that I could not handle anesthesia and that it was going to be "hard." My truth is that none of these stories are true. I was able to handle the hormones with minimal side effects. The majority of the symptoms came after the very first dose and then my system seemed to equilibrate. More amazingly, my body really responded to the medications and grew follicles faster than we all expected, moving everything up by two days. I grew TWELVE eggs that were happily harvested this week, while under anesthesia. I woke up from anesthesia feeling great after about 30 minutes, able to enjoy a sweet afternoon and evening with my honey.

So now that all of those stories have been busted as myth I am now aware that my biggest story - that I am not able to carry a successful pregnancy - could be bogus as well.  This is a big story. It is the thesis statement of my relationship with myself and my pregnant body and one that I have been working on shifting for a long while. I am aware that my self-healing has been chipping cracks into this story and I am ready to break it wide open and emerge from it with a full, happy belly.

I am using today and the rest of the week to tie up loose ends and to create the space for me to take care of my newly transferred embryos through rest and ease. I am calling in support through acupuncture and family for support this weekend, before and after the transfer. I am visualizing the most comfortable, welcoming, and warm environment for implantation and growth to happen. Both internally and externally.

Grow, grow, grow little embryos. We are ready.

Gladiator of Loin Juice

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I present to you, the one and only...

THE GLADIATOR OF LOIN JUICE

Also known as my husband. Also known as my hero.

When we first started with our fertility doctor, Peter submitted a semen sample for assay analysis. This was just to get an idea of the overall health of his sperm. He got the call from the nurse with his results and immediately contacted me to share (more like brag) his results, which indicated that he was above average for all of the parameters.

Me: You're like the superstar of semen.

Peter: Spooge master? Gladiator of Loin juice? I think I like "Gladiator of Loin Juice." I'll have to make a t-shirt.

Pete has a great sense of humor that he has continued to bring to the IVF process. From whispering in my ear to tell me that my "chocolate chip scones look delicious"(referring to my ovaries with follicles) during the scan at the doctor's office to singing a theme song for injection time, he has gently kept my spirits up and positive. I am sure this was a scary prospect to him. Not only was he tasked with doing something way outside of his comfort zone, giving my the twice daily hormone injections, he was also not sure what kind of hormonal wife he was going to have on his hands. Regardless of his fears, he has been present, holding an incredibly vast and safe space for this experience. On top of that, he has taken on more of the household chores, allowing and encouraging me to rest and take care of myself. 

To say I love Peter does not begin to express my feelings. I am deeply grateful that he is my husband and that we are creating a family together. I am eager to see him as a father. I get to witness the gentle, compassionate, playfulness that he will bring to our children. He is amazing and he inspires me to be the best person that I can be. I dream of the great family memories we will create together and the amazing people our children will be.

We were originally scheduled for retrieval on Wednesday, May 22nd and are very excited that it has been bumped up to tomorrow. My body responded very well to the stimulation hormones, growing 18 giant follicles. During our scan on Saturday we got the green light for an early retrieval and did the "trigger shot" of HCG last night. Tomorrow morning we go in and our Agnew baby(s) begin and we'll have two embryos transferred on Saturday, May 25th. After months (and years) of waiting and wanting we are both excited and a little bit in disbelief that this is happening now and so quickly. 

Tonight we're prepping ourselves by picturing plump and happy eggs that are ready to be partnered with the top ranking sperm. We went to a nice dinner, added some touches to the nursery room, and have been talking about what is next in the process. We'll know by Tuesday how many fertilized and will be shifting our focus on the growth of healthy embryos that are ready for transfer. Incredible to think that the transfer is just one week away. And if all goes well, will be the first date of my pregnancy and the welcoming of our baby(s) into my womb. 

We continue to be touched and honored by the love and support coming from our community of friends and family. Your positive thoughts, words, and prayers are very much felt and appreciated. You raise us up and are a big part of the nurturing that we are doing. Together, we nurture to hope and to receive.

Wanting

I think that it is human nature to look for an answer to the question of "Why?" when something sad and unexpected happens. In moments of tragedy we search for any reason to help us resolve what has happened in our hearts and minds. And, to take actions to prevent the tragedy from happening again. After my first pregnancy loss I was okay with the statistical reply of "1 and 3 women have a miscarriage during their first pregnancy." An astounding number but one that my analytical brain could wrap around. The miscarriage was natural and my body was simply doing what she needed to do. And then the second loss happened and my heart needed more than statistics. Had I worked too much? Was it the salty mongolian beef I ate at lunch? In 2010, we had gone to a Modest Mouse concert and then two weeks later our 8w ultrasound found fetal demise and aged the fetus at 6w. Instantly I went to blaming myself for going to that concert, making that single instant in time the reason for our loss. After the fifth loss I was searching for any reason.  Should I have missed that prenatal vitamin? What if it is because I didn't laugh enough? Should I have skipped that Nia class? What did I do wrong?

Did I lose this baby because I did not want it enough?

The journey of healing after our last loss was difficult. Overcoming the story, the ghost, that my losses were because I did not want a baby enough took a lot of work. There were moments when I felt that I was dragging myself up and out of the loss and grief, building strength to recognize the ghosts and stories and put them away. I made it. We made it. Emerging stronger and ready for the next step for us, which turned out to be IVF. 

I have been finding that voice of dissent, asking me "what if you do not want this enough" seeping into my thoughts. I know it is a ridiculous question. I know how much I have wanted a baby and for how long. I know that my pregnancy losses were not the result of a choice I made, an action I took, or a seemingly lack of desire. And this time is no different. That voice does not belong here and so I say "Hello, I hear you and goodbye."  There are definitely things that I am worried about, purely out of not knowing what to expect and from being a woman embarking on motherhood. I must not mistake my fear and worry about what lies in the future as an indication of a lack of desire. It is quite the contrary. My fears about whether or not I will know when to stop breastfeeding or how to teach my baby how to do things or how I will keep him/her safe are perfectly normal and a clear sign that this is something that I want.

We had our appointment today to check on how the follicles are growing with the stimulation hormones. My follicles are growing better than expected and we could be looking at an early retrieval date if we keep up the current pace. We have many follicles growing and there is hope for plenty of eggs being available for harvest.  All great news and it is exciting to think that things will be happening sooner than planned. 

So why this post? Well, I realized while walking the dogs tonight that all day I have been carrying myself with heightened awareness that I am growing something that is very important to me.  Consequently I have worried about walking too much, resting too little, eating the right food, drinking enough water. I recognize that old ghost of "wanting this enough" coming in. And I realized that this is an opportunity to play and move through this.  I know how to listen to my body and fully trust that she tells me what is needed. I also know I can choose to listen.  I have a huge box of tools to pull from, a support system to lean in on, and the knowledge that I can do this. So tonight I am making the choice to lay down instead of giving the dogs a bath. I'll pull out my book instead of sending out emails. And I'll continue to make it up as I go, staying tuned within, and to the dream. 

Engage!

This past week, I set the intention of staying present in the moment. I wanted to experience each moment, living in the fullness and soaking it all in. I also knew that staying present in the moment, and not looking too far into the future, would help me with all of the anxiety I was feeling around Wednesday's appointment and my last Nia class on Thursday. By living the moment I could stay RAW (relaxed, alert, and waiting) and create the space to receive whatever came in the next moment. It proved to be the perfect tool for the moments of anxiety and a rich gift to myself for the unexpected moments of the last five days.

To say that I was anxious on Wednesday morning would be an understatement. We had purposefully planned the morning with time so that we would not feel rushed getting to the appointment. We went to our favorite breakfast place and spent the morning talking about desired outcomes and high dreams. And then my husband gently kept me distracted as I became more and more anxious. The fear of "no" was creeping into my system and I was so afraid to hear the words "you will need to wait" or "this does not look promising." I have had many trans-vaginal ultrasounds over the past several years. And very few are associated with positive outcomes. In fact, it was during a trans-vaginal ultrasound that we found out that our baby had died last July. Same with the proceeding pregnancies. I realized Wednesday that I have a whole body fear response to these types of ultrasounds. I do not trust that I can receive good news from them. I associate them with heartbreaking news and the end of a dream. 

We arrived 30 minutes early to the appointment and we were seen right away. Within minutes we had the news we were hoping for - everything looks great. Both ovaries had ten follicles (AKA chocolate chips, as dubbed by Pete). Lining was perfect and we were given the go ahead to start hormones Saturday.Relief, excitement, and hope all came rushing in as if they had been just under the surface waiting for me to release the gates and them them in. I appreciate the warm support of the staff at our doctor's office. I also appreciate how clear they are and how information is parceled out in chunks that we can process and we do not get overwhelmed having to look too far past the present moment.

I have had so many incredible moments after Wednesday's appointment. Thursday's WHOOSH class with Beth was incredible and one that I will not forget. I danced my fears, my dreams, and with how much I am going to miss dancing Nia with my tribe. I was overcome with grief, grief that felt like it had been sitting in my system, cumulative from all the years of losses, whooshing out. Nurture, hope, and receive was the triad focus for class and a reminder of what all we have been doing for the past four years. I realized that I am at a very different place emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually than I was when we had our first pregnancy loss. I know so much more about my body and fully trust her. I have been nurturing myself with a better diet and exercise to create a body that is ready to receive and nurture a baby. I know how to read the signs of my body and that there are tools like acupuncture and massage to help moderate symptoms. My relationship with my husband has strengthened and I am so much more in tune with the essence of our marriage than I was when we started this journey. 

Peter designed the perfect pre-injection/birthday on Friday. I have so many intimate, soul-nourishing, and joy-filled moments from our day together. We were kicking off the start of growing our "chocolate chips" and celebrating that in two and a half weeks our embryo(s) will be transferred. We spent time in dreamland, imagining what our lives will be like. And joked about whether or not the world is ready for a mini-Pete and Diane. 

Injections started on Saturday and so far so good. Dr. Pete is awesome at painless injections. I am feeling great, other than a bit tired, and am looking forward to seeing how our "chocolate chips" are doing at the appointment on Tuesday. Envisioning twenty strong follicles, ready to keep on growing and reaching. Just ten days to retrieval. Operation Star Trek Baby - Engage!

Embryonic

Tonight was my last night teaching Nia for a while. I was surprised at how anxious, scared, and sad I felt going into class. I love teaching and I love my students. I have not been without Nia and teaching for 4 years and as I stood on the ledge of days without Nia I became aware that I am scared of what will happen to me without Nia. I entered class with no expectations and a simple desire to dance the Joy of Movement. Class was magic. I was able to move my fears and anxiety, emerging at the end of class with a sensation of peace of spirit and excitement for tomorrow. I realized that I am going to be okay.


In Nia we use the five stages to describe where we are with learning. Embryonic grows to creeping grows to crawling grows to standing grows to walking. I am aware that I am still embryonic in my journey to be at ease with how much of getting pregnant is out of my control. What I did not realize until the last week is that I am am embryo surrounded by the most incredible womb of community. You all are there, arms open to hold the space for us. To hug us. To protect us. To create this amazing space for us to manifest our Star Trek Baby.

Last week I took the leap of publishing my blog to a wide audience. The response has been overwhelming. My heart is bursting tonight with love and gratitude.  Thank you to Erin and her class for holding class last Friday, dancing babies and mitosis for me. Thank you to the students who have reached out to me since that class, letting me know how much they are thinking of us. For the gift of a fertility goddess fetish. Thank you everyone who has reached out to us and for the thoughts and prayers. Thank you Beth for holding class on Thursday, whooshing me into the fertility journey. And thank you all for the hugs, the words of support, the reassurance, and for being a part of this journey.

I do not know what tomorrow's appointment will be like. I know that I can go in there open to receive and step-in. I also know that we are not going in there alone. That we are going in there surrounded by a wave of incredible love and support from our friends and family.  And for that, I am deeply grateful.

Today I found my voice

It has been a rough week. When I walked into Nia class tonight I felt whole body tired. Emotional realm was maxed out. Physical self just wanted to crawl into bed and wake in the morning. Mental realm? Zapped as well. And I couldn't even detect my spirit. Today, whenever I did a body check-in, I could not sense my spirit. I assumed this was because my spirit was maxed out as well. Today, I was very aware of the physical sensation of breathing. How each breath opened up my body and how good it felt. So today, I stayed with breath, using it to get me through the day until I could get to Nia.

I started class thinking that I wanted to flow and have a slower class of self healing. After the first song I was surprised when my spirit came alive. It was as if my Self was saying "Here I am!" The spirit realm was not maxed out. She had just been buried under the rest of my stories and sensations, laying dormant until the moment arrived that spirit could fly free. And oh thank goodness for it. I found sensation, the joy of movement. I let my spirit dance and I let go. I found my voice, really loving the sensation of letting my voice out.  I became aware that I had tucked my voice down and within this week. I had slipped into one of my old tendencies of curling within while pushing my spirit down. And it felt SO good to open up, release, and receive.

It was also during class that I decided to make this blog public. I "published" this blog and then sent the link to just close friends and family. I realized today that part of my intention behind the blog is to share my experiences with other women who have infertility. I also want to share it with people in my community to continue to be boosted by their support and well wishes. My truth that I realized is that I have been ashamed for people to know that I am going through IVF.  There is definitely a voice in my system that says "If you were a real, healthy woman, you would have had a baby by now and you would not need IVF." So if I let people know that I am going through fertility treatment, will they think less of me? Will I suddenly be outed as a woman who has failed at pregnancy? And today the question is - So what? My awareness today expanded to realizing that I am surrounded by people who care for me and who want to support me. I can let myself release into that support. I can lean into my community and allow myself to be held.

So welcome. And thank you.

Our baseline ultrasound is next Wednesday, May 8th. This is the appointment where they determine if all systems look like a go for starting the hyper-ovulation hormones. Here's a shocker - I am totally freaking out about the baseline. I feel like I am taking a test that I cannot study for and that I really, really do not want to fail. Due to an interaction between the birth control and antibiotics, I have been bleeding for the past four days which is like witnessing the shedding of the walls of a structure that I painstakingly built.  But the ultrasound is not tomorrow. And this interaction is not unique, in fact it is quite common. And there is nothing to do but wait while I continue to do things that I do have control over, like acupuncture, body work, soaking in the sun, eating well. I can keep supporting myself with sleep and stress reduction. And I can let in the support of others. So, I am requesting all of the positive energy and prayers that you all can spare. Prayers that we get to make a go of IVF this round and that it is successful.