Before you say it...

While scrolling through Facebook land I noticed this picture:

Sometimes ecards say the right thing at the right time. Four years ago, my reaction to this ecard would have been totally different than it is today. Four years ago, we were in the blissful space of believing that babies were easy to make and that the "trying" was indeed the fun part. And now, here we are. Five miscarriages later and no, trying is not the fun part. Trying these days means finding out what is causing our infertility so that we do have a baby. It means rinding the roller coaster of getting that first positive home-pregnancy test and then praying to the Universe, to God, to anyone who will listen, to get us past the 1st trimester. Trying means experiencing new depths of grief and disappointment and frustration after another failed pregnancy. And trying means discovering the infinite emotions tied to being a couple struggling with infertility while surrounded by happy baby bellies and the many belief systems on why pregnancies fail.

There are days, like today, when I see a pregnant belly and I feel a combination of grief, shame, jealousy, and yearning. None of these are emotions that I want to elipt onto an expecting mother. And none of these emotions make me feel like I am being my best self. Especially when bombarded by more than one baby belly. And moms holding babies. All in one gathering. While getting asked when we are going to finally settle down. Start a family. Get moving on giving our parents grandchildren. It is in these moments that I want to run and hide. I want to cry and tell them how desperately I want to have a baby. I want to yell at them to chill out and back off. Instead I nod my head "yes" and give an answer like "That's the plan!" or "Sometime soon!" or "Starting our family is very important to us." like I am a politician avoiding answering the question being asked. All the while feeling a tightness in my gut reminding me of how badly I want to be one of the pregnant moms-to-be.

I bring compassion, forgiveness, and kindness to my interactions with these well-wishers. I do my best to bring excitement, joy, and support to every pregnant belly. And sometimes, I just need space to move through the wide ranging and dynamic batch of emotions associated with being a woman going through infertility on her journey towards a happy baby belly.

It is the simple things

I did three simple things for myself today that did wonders for my spirit:

I got my toes done.  This was one of those things that I stopped doing in our household budget cuts to fund Operation Star Trek Baby. While not a significant portion of our monthly budget, it seemed like once of those extras that I could easily give up in the name of IVF. So I stopped going and did DIY pedicures at home.  But I kind of hate doing my own toes. And I definitely do not do the whole soak-scrub-massage-paint with a cute design kind of deal at home. Today I made it to my favorite local nail salon, picked my turquoise color, and treated myself to 30 minutes of pampering. It is amazing how much my perspective shifted after getting my feet rubbed, scrubbed, and loved.

I got moving. I was slated to teach the Noon Nia class today and was feeling reluctant and more interested in lazing about. While secretly wishing for a no-show, I made it to the studio. After 5 minutes of moving, I felt better. Half way through class I felt lighter and moved easier. By the end, I was smiling, sweaty, and grateful that teaching class forced me to get moving. I had shifted the soreness from Friday's body work. My allergies eased up and I was breathing easier. And the sleepiness from the morning had transformed to energy and I was ready for the rest of my Sunday.

I got some sunshine. Actually, I got a LOT of sunshine. And oh my freaking gawd it felt good. We walked the dogs down to the Nob Hill Earth Day Celebration where we were immersed in community, sunshine, and live music. We flowed with the crowd, danced to the rhythms of African drums and soul/blues music, and simply sat in the sun. For hours. I had been craving sunshine for the past week. I was desperate to soak in Vitamin D, get sweaty just from being in the sun.  By the time we walked home I was markedly happier and energized.

I do not need to schedule a special appointment to do something that is good for my whole body. Sometimes it is a matter of making simple, easy choices. The beauty is that these small choices today had big rewards.

We're t-minus three weeks to starting injections. I expect that these weeks will go quickly and that the days between injections and transfer will go by even faster. Wowza.

Friday I had visceral manipulation body work. And it rocked my world. Not sure that this will get much more of a post than these short sentences, but I can tell this work is going to be huge. Huge for preparing for pregnancy, huge for continuing through pregnancy, and huge for me and baby post labor.

It should feel like a thump

Today was my first day of acupuncture. It is the first appointment of many that I set the intention of doing during the March thru early-May timeframe in preparation for IVF. It is the appointment I had intended to have the first week of April.

I entered today with a whole room full of stories at how I failed at meeting my intention for April. April was meant to be filled with whole body nurturing activities in preparation for IVF. I envisioned focusing my energy on preparing my body to begin the hormone treatments, readying my uterus to be the warmest, bestest place to receive fertilized embryos, and balancing my emotional and mental realms for the months ahead. And then life happened. I focused my energy at work to meet an end of the month deadline. I focused on selling my company. And I woke today with sadness at what I viewed as a month lost to poor choices. I entered acupuncture worried that I was not starting the treatment soon enough for it to be effective.

My acupuncturist is awesome. He has great, positive energy. He is eager to hear what I have going on in my physical, emotional, mental, and spirit realms. He is full of ideas on how to help me to achieve success. And he was precisely the "thump" of positivity I needed today. And as I lay on my belly, needles connected to an electrical source, sensing the thumping of my twitching left calf muscle, the biggest thump of the day arrived.

I have been doing my best. I have been caring for myself. I have been making the choice to go home and sleep, rather than push through the exhaustion. I have been asking for help. I made the phone calls to schedule this acupuncture appointment.  And...I am HERE.

Even the choices that I judged as being poor were in line with my intention. The selling of my business, while exhausting and nerve-racking and sad, is very much what I need to do in order to focus my energy at home and a successful IVF treatment and pregnancy. Working towards the deadline at work is for a major piece of work that once complete, I do not need to carry with me into May and will therefore be relieved of a major stressor looming over my head. And these two things are perfectly focused on caring for my self.

My last fifteen minutes on the table were spent in deep relaxation and body gratitude. My body is telling me what she needs and I am doing my best to listen and answer. I know how to have that conversation with my body. I have opened my heart to hear it. And that is enough.

The Power of Insight

The power of insight. On Easter Sunday a close friend of mine offered to do a quick tarot card reading for me. I had only done a reading once before and was curious. Peter, the ever skeptical was willing to go with the flow and listen. As I shuffled the deck, I asked my question, opened my heart to hear, and turned the cards over. It was a powerful reading. Key phrases from each of the cards were in support of our major choice of this year - having a baby. It was so powerful, that the fifth card was as if the Universe was saying to us "No, really. We mean it." I left with a feeling of knowing. Knowing that we had made the right choice with IVF. That we have been making the right choices. And I had so much clarity! 

Fast forward several weeks, introduce some normal cycle hormones and BAM! clouded with doubt. I am a worrier. In a sea of uncertainty, I assume the worst. So here I am, on day 28 of my cycle. Waiting.  The next step in the process is for me to start BCP no later than April 23rd. And that FEELS like tomorrow. My rationale brain knows that I have a week before that date. It also knows that day 34 is Saturday and my cycle will start by then. But the "what ifs" are creeping in. "What if my cycle does not start in time and I have wait an entire month?" "What if this is a sign that I am not meant to be a mother?" "What if this is a sign that I am cursed to a life of not being a mother with a body that is unpredictable?" And then I remember the questions from my tarot card reading:

What's keeping you from praising your body?

What doubt, confusion, or indecision could possibly keep you from aligning your reason with your intuition? 

And again, the strongest message comes from the Universe: Expand, contract, breath in, breath out, and begin to see the biggest possible picture. 

The big picture is that my body is working exactly how she needs to. My body's natural time is not linked to schedules and mechanical time. I can wait. I can let this step of the process work. I can recognize that this is the last opportunity that my body has to follow a natural cycle until after the IVF process. So it is my time to say "yes" to my body. To praise her for doing what she does. To allow my cycle to unfold, waiting to cross the bridge of what it means for IVF when I get there.