The making of Boob Food

Breastfeeding is no fucking joke. It is by far the most painful, frustrating, difficult thing that I have ever had to do. Every single woman who has ever breastfed, whether it be for a day, a week, or for years I high five you. I cheer you. While realizing that a high five and cheer comes nowhere close to being what you deserve.

There is no shortage of information for new mothers on the benefits of breastfeeding. Do I want my children to have robust immune systems? Yes! Complete nutrition? Of course! How about lowered risk of heart disease? Definitely! Close bond with me? Absolutely! All of these things are possible for me and my babies. All I need to do is breastfeed, the most natural way of providing nutrition to my children. Women have been breastfeeding for as long as humans have existed. It is natural. Natural means it will happen if I just try right?

None of the information I read prepared me for the reality of nursing, let alone nursing twins. Nothing prepared me for the incredibly intense and overwhelming experience of laying in the hospital bed, hours after delivering the twins, attempting to breastfeed my new son. The clucking of the nurses, the two to three sets of hands around me and the baby.  The tisking with the realization that my nipples are inverted (who knew there was even such as a thing as inverted nipples? WTF?) and the explanation that I will need to use shields and pumping to convert my nipples. More hands. Pulling. Twisting (yes, twisting). More advice. And pain. Lots of pain.

We used all of the resources available during my stay in the hospital. Lots of advice. Lots of guidance. Explanation of what a good latch is vs. a bad latch. Pumping. Advice on how to increase milk supply. The introduction of hand expression (think milking a cow udder). Around all of this is this energy of - you need to nurse. You need to get your supply up. Here are things that you SHOULD eat. Here is a list of things to avoid. The word SHOULD echos throughout.

After we were discharged home the breastfeeding attempts continued. By this point I was having to supplement with formula because of their percent weight loss. Feeding times involved feeding at the breast, followed by syringe feeding of formula, followed by pumping, followed by syringe feeding of the pumped milk. All of that would take two to two and a half hrs. The the babies and I would sleep for three hours. Exhaustion. Stress and exhaustion limit milk supply.

Meeting with the lactation specialists involves more information. Me laying in a chair with a hungry baby laying at my nipple. Another set of hands, pushing, squeezing, showing how it should be done. More discussion of what should be done to help with latching. And supply. And more pain. Me pushing through the pain and exhaustion because I want to breastfeed. I want to give my babies the best possible everything, which means their momma's milk. So I keep pushing. I diligently follow the list of things I should do. And not do. I feed. I pump. I teach. I become afraid of the pain of latching. And then...I crash.

That is when I decide to allow myself to bring something different to my relationship with feeding my babies. I shifted the energy of feeding time. I worked with the lactation consultant to reduce the duration from two and a half hours to one hour. I discover that ease for me means ease for the babies. I can feel my body healing. The ease we have discovered brings rest and rest brings energy that can be devoted to my physical recovery which in the end means better milk supply and benefit for my babies.

My shift does not mean that I do not love my babies any less. It does not mean that I desire anything less than the best for them. In fact it takes quite a bit of love and devotion to these littles to make the choice to shift so that they are getting what they need for nourishment. We are snuggling more and pain is out of the picture. Fear is still lingering around but I keep reminding myself that I get to keep choosing and shifting. What is true today will not necessarily be the truth tomorrow.  This is the right choice for me and my babies for this moment, so I am going to breath in the sweet smells of baby skin. Gaze into their eyes and smile. And tell them how much their momma loves them.