This is my body

I remember when I first became aware of my body vs. what outside expectations were for my body. I was in Mid School, shopping with my mom, my aunt, and my cousin. I thought that my cousin was gorgeous and we were shopping for a fancy dress for her to wear. She came out in a stunning gown and I remember commenting to my mom that the dress was beautiful. And the reply? "The dress is beautiful and looks great on your cousin, but it'd never work on you. You're not thin enough." That was all it took to shift my awareness from having fun and playing to judging my body against what was projected as beautiful. It was the start of body shaming, worrying about how I might be beautiful. This became so deeply embedded in me that eventually I no longer had awareness of the critical voice. It was as normal to me as breathing. Ever present, happening without thought, impacting my choices.

It was years (over a decade) before I really got a handle on my weight. I discovered step aerobics thanks to a grad school office mate who talked me into coming to class with her. I remember total apprehension but also a desire for my office mate, who I deeply respected, to see me take steps to being a healthier weight. So I went. And I had fun, and soon I noticed I was shedding pounds. So I went more often. I shifted my diet. I felt I had unlocked the key that put me in control of my body. This was also timed with the planning of my wedding, a time when I was desperate to be thin enough to fit into the beautiful gowns I was pining after. I wanted to be told I was beautiful and avoid hearing "You're not thin enough" when I found the gown of my dreams.

I eventually lost 40 pounds. Looking back at the photos I am amazed at how much weight loss and toning I achieved in less than a year. I looked freaking fantastic. I also remember not feeling like I had hit the mark. I remember on my honeymoon feeling ashamed to be wearing a bikini on front my husband who was utterly flabbergasted that his wife was still ashamed to show off her body. A body that I should have been damn proud of. But whenever I looked into the mirror I could still see areas that needed more "work." No matter how many times Pete called me his "hottie wife" or would say "You are so beautiful. Do you know that?"I would shrug him off and tell him he was only saying those things because he was biased. He had to say those things because we were married.

A year later I discovered Nia. I totally stumbled into Nia, showing up for a step aerobics class only to find out it had been cancelled and replaced with Nia. Since I had carpooled to the gym and I hated the weight room, I stayed. I stayed, I participated, and I loved it. I discovered a way to get sweaty, have fun, and feel great physically. Much like step aerobics, I dove head first into Nia. I was driven to soak up as much of the goodness I was feeling as possible. And in the tumbling desire to go deeper into Nia, to tap deeper into this practice that was shifting me in unknown ways, I took the White Belt Intensive. I had powerful moments of discovery during that training that changed my life and my relationship with my body. I came out of that training seeing me. Seeing a capable body and seeing the beauty in my body. After that training, instead of shrugging off my husband's compliments, I could hear them and say "thank you." And even on those days when I was not able to see what he was seeing, I was reminded by his words that my body is beautiful and I trusted.

Through Nia I found empowerment. I found a way to be healthy. I discovered how to love my body, in all of its iterations and forms. When I gained ten pounds with each failed pregnancy I knew that I had tools to get back to my target. I knew that I could move through the emotions of what we were going through and be okay. I bought fitness clothing that was daring and fun. I enjoyed dressing up in beautiful dresses. I embraced my body, my sexuality, and played.

Pregnancy is a whole different ball game. I find myself really leaning into the tools I collected over the years. Every day my brain has to reconcile what it sees in the mirror with what I believe to be true and stand that up against the noise of weight gain and fitness during pregnancy. There is a lot of noise about weight gain during pregnancy. There are books, websites, and doctor's pamphlets on how much weight to be gained. It is always done in a tone that implies that going over the mark means you should be ashamed. There is the OB nurse who measures my weight and then makes a face when saying "another four pounds!" There is just the psychology of 200 pounds. That was the weight I never wanted to go over in my non-pregnant life. So each time I get weighed and I am four pounds closer to 200 pounds I instantly feel worried that I am "gaining too much" and there is also a voice in my head that freaks out about whether or not I will lose all of this weight.

I need to remind myself daily, usually multiple times a day, that I am healthy. I am eating healthy, I am feeding and growing two babies, and my body is a new beautiful. I also have to remind myself that part of the weight are two very healthy babies that are in my belly. I remind myself that I am following the guidance of my doctors and literature for twin pregnancies. Any time I hear the voice of shame creep back in, I refocus myself on the goal  - to grow two healthy weight, full-term babies. Sometimes I have to do that every hour. I have to refocus after hearing a comments like "you're so huge!" or seeing myself in the mirror and noting the changes in my body.

As I have been reflecting on the changes in my body I discovered that part of my road to a happy baby belly is more than just growing my babies. It is also finding ways to get past the noise and love myself in this new form. It is finding pride in my body's ability to sustain TWO human babies. The reality is, what I am doing is really pretty magical and the fact that I am 20 weeks pregnant with twins is worthy of some body love and awe.