Triggered

Shortly after my last pregnancy lost I found a blog specifically for couples healing from multiple pregnancy losses. One of the topics I appreciated was an entry on recognizing that the impact of a pregnancy loss is more than just a moment. That there can be any number of triggers to remind the mother and father of the trauma of the loss, specifically seasonal triggers, so grief and fear can appear from seemingly nowhere. For myself, the majority of my losses have come in the July and August months. For the two losses that required surgery, those happened in August and September. I definitely recognize that I enter this time of year with quite a bit of charge. I am aware of a sense of holding on and in.

More than the seasonal triggers, I am aware of all of the physical triggers I have been experiencing the past week after receiving the news of a positive pregnancy test. I distinctly remember one day last year when I suddenly felt emptied. Like my whole body had been vacated. A few days later is when we found out that we had lost the baby and I was headed to surgery. The other pregnancies also had moments of a shift in sensation that registered in my system as warning signs. As a result, it is very easy for me to slip into a dialogue of "Are my breasts tender enough?" "I am tired, but am I pregnant tired?" "I do not feel like vomiting in the morning, this is probably not a good sign." I compare sensations this time to previous pregnancies, analyzing to determine if I feel more pregnant this time.

On Thursday, I was at a peak of anxiety. I was desperate to KNOW. That was also the day that I had the realization of several important facts: my increased sense of worry that day was not indicative of catastrophe but rather a perfectly normal thing for a (expecting) mother; there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change the outcome - even if I could sense the start of the loss of the pregnancy; and, I can choose to live in fear or I can choose to let myself be excited. We are pregnant. Right now. It does not matter how many were lost before, there is as much potential for a full, happy pregnancy as there is for the alternative. So which one do I want to choose?

Pete and I have been easing into this, much like someone would ease into murky waters. We step carefully, check-in frequently, and actively choose what to do. We are both ready to fall in love with our baby(s) and are both careful. To cope, we keep ourselves focused on the small milestones like the first and second blood tests. We keep ourselves distracted and we keep our focus on the high dream. The next milestone is the scariest so far - we go in for the 6w scan tomorrow morning. All of our previous pregnancies have stopped in Week 6...there is no way to describe how it feels to be facing tomorrow.

I sense that each week, each moment of parenthood involves worry and wonder, starting with conception and continuing on forever. I can see why. From where I sit today, there is no love greater than that of a parent - the child is an offspring of a mother's heart, her spirit, and dreams.  I am so ready to know this kind of love.