Hindsight is a real bitch

Infertility can be a terribly isolating diagnosis.  While I know that many women have infertility and that the majority of them have success stories to share,  there is always that voice in my head that is aware that their story is not my story. And while I am boosted to hear of so many success stories with IVF and other fertility treatments there are moments when my experience feels so unique and overwhelming that I need some more than hearing about other's experiences. There are moments when I would much rather have the crystal ball to be able to look ahead into the future to know if I am making the correct decisions. 

I have been depleted since the retrieval and the news that we needed to wait until August for our transfer. My energy has been low, my emotional realm has been zapped, and my mental realm is going gangbusters with fear stories.  I have been feeling stuck and wondering where release is going to happen. I have been searching for a reason for why I have been given the burden of infertility and why it is apparent that I have shitty baby making luck. I have been feeling regret about decisions in the last ten years of my life - none of which, in realty, I would change because of where I am now - most of which feel easy to blame for my current struggles. Regret is not a great emotional space to spend much time in. Feeling stuck isn't either and it can make me feel desperate for change change.

I have been going to Nia to dance with my experience, find my sweat, and be in community. These past two weeks, as I was taking class I have become aware of how I am finding the moves in a new routine and able to make the choreography work for me. I was flowing in and out of movement and into and out of community with ease. There is progress. There is flow. So I have been able to carry with my the awareness of progress and flow, no matter how small, with me outside of class. I have been able to remind myself that I am making good choices for my body. I nurture it through movement. I have been making better food choices, choosing to eat so that I feel better physically and not falling into the pit of emotional eating. And I have asked for help. 

We have been focused on the fact that we have a single blastocyst (C1) that is viable but that there is only a 75% chance it will survive the thawing for transfer. I practiced positive thinking and dreaming of our desired outcome but have felt deep regret for not doing the fresh transfer without the genetic testing. I have been meditating on a series of questions I once heard from Loretta Milo (Nia Trainer and Life Coach) - What do I want? Is there a different way to get what I want? Pete and I do not want another loss and that includes both the loss of the blastocyst during thawing and a miscarriage after transfer. Pete and I talked for a while about repeating the retrieval process to see if we can get more blastocysts for the transfer. Based on the information from our doctor and the clear message from my heart, we knew that was not a viable option.  Adoption has always been on the table but we have not felt ready to invest in that route just yet. So we continued to sit with the questions. 

Then a friend of ours stepped in and said "I want to donate my eggs to you."

Our first reaction to this was "no." For us, the recipients of the egg, it feels like too huge of a gift to accept and it was not something we had even talked about. So we started talking about it. Together, with our friend and her husband, we're exploring this as an option for us. There are so many emotions tied to IVF by itself, but considering a donor egg kicks it into high gear. It is really facing the limitations of my ability to create a baby. It is grieving the loss of my eggs as participants in making a baby. It is exploring what it feels like to have a baby that I will carry and deliver but that will not have any of my DNA. It is feeling out the fact that egg fertilization, even when it happens in a petri dish, feels incredibly intimate and it would not be my egg. It is processing what it means for the relationship with the egg donor - anonymous vs. friend. It is realizing that this option does increase our success in August.

A second blessing from the universe came at class on 4th of July. A woman I have taken Nia classes with for years approached me to let me know her story of infertility and that she eventually went with a donor egg. The rush of relief at meeting someone who had been through so many years of infertility and ended up with a donor egg was immense. It was the help, resource, and experience I was needing to find to pull me out of my fog of isolation and to show me hope.

I am thankful for each moment of progress and flow I have found in the past week. I am thankful that today I was able to spend time taking care of myself and able to get perspective on where I am going. I am deeply grateful that the Universe delivers what I need, when I need it, and that most of the time I have the awareness and open heart to receive.