The Art of Being in Flow

I am frequently amazed at how quickly time can pass and by how much can happen in a short period of time. Weather shifts, decisions are made, memories are created, and growth happens. It is particularly useful for me to reflect on this fact after a period of time of feeling stuck. There are times, like most of the month of July, when I feel desperately stuck. I wonder when the shift will happen, where I will be after the shift, and if it will involve my desired outcome. It is also during these periods that I feel like nothing is happening. Then, I reflect back and realize that actually a whole lot happened and that I am indeed in a different space than where I started.

In May, after we learned that we could not do a fresh transfer, we decided to do a frozen transfer in August. That was our decision and we were sticking to it. While we would talk about things that we needed to start doing in preparation (e.g., acupuncture, ordering of injectable hormones, scheduling days off work) we just could not put that first step forward. So we just kept sitting with the decision. When the topic of donor eggs came up, we allowed ourselves to open up and consider an alternate path. We noted an immediate shift in our energy and found ourselves set into motion. So we went with the flow of this new energy, observing the roots and asking ourselves "What else?" It got us talking about the reality of the frozen transfer. And about our reasons for not doing a second round of IVF. Where were our decisions being made from fear and where were they being made from love and hope? Where were we in flow and where were we getting stuck?

 We discovered that the frozen transfer is not our desired path. We were both immobilized because in our hearts, in our essence, we were aware that we could get to the morning of August 13th and find out that C1 had not survived the thaw and that we would be in the same place we were January 1st with one more loss. We also realized that another round of IVF holds quite a bit of hope for us. The worst case outcome is that we do not get any blastocysts and we do a frozen transfer. Best case scenario, we get multiple blastocysts and can do a fresh transfer of two and keep some with C1 for later.  That realization put things in perspective.

For weeks we had thought that choosing another round of IVF was the fear-based choice; a choice based on the fear that C1 would not make it. The reality is that the frozen transfer was the true fear-based choice as it was coming from a space of finding out that I could not grow more eggs. Clarity. Understanding. Relief.

Over the past month, I became aware of the fact that one reason preventing me from saying yes to another round of IVF is the feeling of shame. Infertility is loaded with shame. From as long as I can remember, I had been taught that women have babies. Period. Making babies is our magical power and it just happens. My family is fertile so there was never any doubt in my mind growing up that I would make babies. When I discovered that I could not have a successful pregnancy on my own I was deeply ashamed and convinced I was a freak of nature. Over time I have realized that I am not alone in my experiences, that I am not a freak of nature, and that there is hope. There was shame around going to the fertility doctor. Then I heard stories from women who went for treatment and had success on their first try which provided hope and a layer of shame when the first round did not end up as planned. So what does it say about me if I need two rounds of IVF? Thankfully I now recognize that shame. I am calling it out and I am working to shift that story.

As soon as we decided to go for a second round of IVF we both found ourselves energized. Phone calls were being made and planning and hopeful energy was back in the space of our journey to parenthood. Our energy shifted 180 degrees and it became even more clear that we were on a choice that is right for us. There have been so many moments over the past 5 years that I have wondered what decision I should be making for successful pregnancy. Many moments of feeling lost and worried that I am making the wrong decision. But each step of the way, I have practiced being open. We have leaned into our marriage and the essence of our couplehood, and stayed in flow. I believe that has served us well and I also believe that these are all lessons that will continue to benefit us when we are parents.

We are back on the IVF roller coaster with hormones starting Saturday (August 2nd). The retrieval will be either August 12th or 13th with transfer planned the week of August 19th. We're envisioning two fresh, beautiful embryos for transfer.  We are also working to make other shifts to create the space for peace and passion in our home.  Each day is a conscious effort to step with awareness and with an open heart. Infertility and IVF does not have room for self-judging and closed spaces. Instead it is a constant invitation to allow ourselves be supported and to see what magic can happen. When we are in this practice, even during times of feeling stuck, we are actually making steady progress to shift away from what no longer serves us and into what we desire.

Hindsight is a real bitch

Infertility can be a terribly isolating diagnosis.  While I know that many women have infertility and that the majority of them have success stories to share,  there is always that voice in my head that is aware that their story is not my story. And while I am boosted to hear of so many success stories with IVF and other fertility treatments there are moments when my experience feels so unique and overwhelming that I need some more than hearing about other's experiences. There are moments when I would much rather have the crystal ball to be able to look ahead into the future to know if I am making the correct decisions. 

I have been depleted since the retrieval and the news that we needed to wait until August for our transfer. My energy has been low, my emotional realm has been zapped, and my mental realm is going gangbusters with fear stories.  I have been feeling stuck and wondering where release is going to happen. I have been searching for a reason for why I have been given the burden of infertility and why it is apparent that I have shitty baby making luck. I have been feeling regret about decisions in the last ten years of my life - none of which, in realty, I would change because of where I am now - most of which feel easy to blame for my current struggles. Regret is not a great emotional space to spend much time in. Feeling stuck isn't either and it can make me feel desperate for change change.

I have been going to Nia to dance with my experience, find my sweat, and be in community. These past two weeks, as I was taking class I have become aware of how I am finding the moves in a new routine and able to make the choreography work for me. I was flowing in and out of movement and into and out of community with ease. There is progress. There is flow. So I have been able to carry with my the awareness of progress and flow, no matter how small, with me outside of class. I have been able to remind myself that I am making good choices for my body. I nurture it through movement. I have been making better food choices, choosing to eat so that I feel better physically and not falling into the pit of emotional eating. And I have asked for help. 

We have been focused on the fact that we have a single blastocyst (C1) that is viable but that there is only a 75% chance it will survive the thawing for transfer. I practiced positive thinking and dreaming of our desired outcome but have felt deep regret for not doing the fresh transfer without the genetic testing. I have been meditating on a series of questions I once heard from Loretta Milo (Nia Trainer and Life Coach) - What do I want? Is there a different way to get what I want? Pete and I do not want another loss and that includes both the loss of the blastocyst during thawing and a miscarriage after transfer. Pete and I talked for a while about repeating the retrieval process to see if we can get more blastocysts for the transfer. Based on the information from our doctor and the clear message from my heart, we knew that was not a viable option.  Adoption has always been on the table but we have not felt ready to invest in that route just yet. So we continued to sit with the questions. 

Then a friend of ours stepped in and said "I want to donate my eggs to you."

Our first reaction to this was "no." For us, the recipients of the egg, it feels like too huge of a gift to accept and it was not something we had even talked about. So we started talking about it. Together, with our friend and her husband, we're exploring this as an option for us. There are so many emotions tied to IVF by itself, but considering a donor egg kicks it into high gear. It is really facing the limitations of my ability to create a baby. It is grieving the loss of my eggs as participants in making a baby. It is exploring what it feels like to have a baby that I will carry and deliver but that will not have any of my DNA. It is feeling out the fact that egg fertilization, even when it happens in a petri dish, feels incredibly intimate and it would not be my egg. It is processing what it means for the relationship with the egg donor - anonymous vs. friend. It is realizing that this option does increase our success in August.

A second blessing from the universe came at class on 4th of July. A woman I have taken Nia classes with for years approached me to let me know her story of infertility and that she eventually went with a donor egg. The rush of relief at meeting someone who had been through so many years of infertility and ended up with a donor egg was immense. It was the help, resource, and experience I was needing to find to pull me out of my fog of isolation and to show me hope.

I am thankful for each moment of progress and flow I have found in the past week. I am thankful that today I was able to spend time taking care of myself and able to get perspective on where I am going. I am deeply grateful that the Universe delivers what I need, when I need it, and that most of the time I have the awareness and open heart to receive.