Over the past three months I have really come to appreciate the word "milestone." I can feel both the distance and weight of that word. The wait between the transfer of our blastocysts to the first pregnancy test felt like it went on forever, but in reality was a short one week weight. The news of that milestone, a positive pregnancy result, felt major. It felt as if we had made our way up and over the first boulder, taking the first step towards our next milestone.
Since all of our previous pregnancies ended between 6 and 7 weeks, we would frequently talk about how great it would be to make it to 8 weeks. We even talked about how great we would feel to just clear that 8 week milestone. And we did. Our little twins were thriving at the 8 week appointment. We cleared another milestone. However, I was not overcome by relief. Instead, I found a whole new milestone to worry about (the end of the first trimester) and so the weight of the 8 week check became the anxiety of wanting to make it to 13 weeks. It was also the moment of realizing that there will always be something to worry about when it comes to the health, well being, and happiness of the twins. So I have a choice. I can given into the worry and spend my energy in the low dream of all of the terrible potential outcomes. Or I can hear the worry, acknowledge it, and shift it.
It is immensely helpful to have a partner like Pete. His faith in these babies and this pregnancy is so strong and that gives me something to lean into when I a feeling doubtful. He brings clarity to those days and moments when I am feeling uncertain and scared. I remember one day I was worried about a particular sensation I was experiencing and was worried if it was a "sign." Pete reminded me that we are officially in uncharted territory for us, so we do now know what is normal and so we are in a mode of discovery. Pete has jumped two feet into the river and is out there, holding my hand as I very slowly and cautiously make my way in. I know that he is there, solid and ready.
The scariest milestone so far has been graduating from the fertility clinic. Our doctor and the team at the clinic have been amazing. They are the most empathetic and compassionate people we have met in the medical profession. Throughout the worries and questions they have been there for us. I feel protected and taken care of and it is slightly terrifying to leave the comfort of their care. The fertility clinic feels womb-like to me and it feels safe. They helped to nurture and grow and make this pregnancy a reality. I know that it is time. I know that we have gone beyond their knowledge and expertise. I also know that this is really good news. We are pregnant, with twins, and we need to get the care of OB/GYN and perinatal docs so that the babies continue to thrive. As I sit here looking into the next phase of doctor care, I am scared.
Today I am just two weeks away from clearing the next pregnancy milestone of starting my second trimester. It feels at once forever away and just around the corner. I have some bleeding/spotting that feels like a challenge from the Universe to see how well I can listen, choose, and trust. It requires balancing the knowledge that bleeding and spotting is normal, that other women have experienced it throughout their pregnancies, with the fact that it does not feel normal to me. I have to shift my stories around what it means. Rewrite the stories from previous pregnancies and remind myself I am in uncharted waters.
I feel like I am doing pretty good with the worry choices. I also realize that I am also deep in the river of pregnancy hormones, which shifts both when and what I worry about and how well I am able to choose how to react to that worry. I will continue to take it one day at a time. I will keep doing my best.
