I am aware of how many lessons are packed into this experience. My acupuncture doctor reminded me on Thursday, there is really no way of knowing what the outcome will be. As I have experienced with my multiple losses, it is possible to do everything "by the books" and still end up with loss. And I know from watching and observing those in the world around me that it is also possible to have everything wrong and end up with a healthy baby. I realize that if I can let go of my fear of doing everything right, that I will have learned an important lesson that will aid me as a parent. I am aware that recognizing how little or how much control I have over an outcome will prepare me for moments like the first day of kindergarten. I believe that awareness is a gift and I am thankful that I am able to stay in that practice and see my growth now, and in the future.
I was surprised by the fear I have around the transfer tomorrow. I think that I was perfectly content to be in the space of preparing for Transfer Day while not really processing what transfer will actually mean. So the "Oh shit!" moment of "Saturday will be the start of my pregnancy" caught me off-guard. I was faced with processing the truth of tomorrow. The possible outcomes, positive and negative, and questioning whether or not I have the core strength for it all. My fear also made me think of a quote from Brene Brown that really resonated with me the first time I heard it:
"When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding."
There is so much vulnerability in becoming a parent. And there has been so much vulnerability in my whole system as I have navigated infertility. There was the moment of being able to admit, verbally, to others that I am not able to do this on my own. Admission of a need for help means working through all of the shame, all of the guilt, and being vulnerable. When we started IVF, I made a conscious choice to share my journey on this blog, so that I could use writing as a way to process everything and to share my journey with friends, family, and strangers. I do think that I am edging up on tolerance level and am feeling the pull to put up the walls and hit pause on being vulnerable.
Brene Brown goes on to say that "Joy is the most terrifying emotion we can experience." I wholeheartedly hear this today. Joy for me, on this journey, is becoming pregnant. Joy is becoming a mom. Joy is loving my baby so much that I cannot believe that it is possible that they are a part of me. I am scared shitless that it will not happen to me. I am scared that I will have no idea what to do and I'll end up being a total failure as a mom. So I do what Brene calls "dress rehearsing tragedy." I think about how we will get to the doctor's office and find out there is nothing to transfer. I imagine suffering another miscarriage. I am aware of when this spiral kicks in. I am aware and know I can chose to do something different. I know that I can soften into joy by choosing gratitude.
Today I have been working at not "dress rehearsing tragedy" and instead practicing gratitude. I have given myself permission to be present and hear the emotions swirling in my space. I will take this moment by moment and count my blessings each step of the way.
